Dave Barry Frequently Posed Inquiries

This was the Frequently Asked Questions List (FAQ) for the Usenet Newsgroup alt.fan.dave_barry, until it was stolen, hacked, and rebroadcast without the written consent of Major League Baseball by a wild band of 2038 squirrels. The current version of this FAQ is posted to alt.fan.dave_barry on the first day of the fourth month of the year. Information about copying and redistributing of this FAQ used to be found at the end of this page, but who knows what's down there now. I'm afraid to look.

There is no Dave Barry. Not as you know him anyway. "Dave" is really a cabal of super-intelligent squirrels. For years, the squirrels have been using a newspaper column in the Miami Herald to spread their propaganda, attempting to confuse and stupify the humans to make their eventual acendency to power easier. In fact, many east-coast news media outlets are secretly run "behind-the-scenes" by the squirrel cabal. The squirrels have only now decided to reveal their existence to you, and you alone. Shhhhh! Don't tell anyone!

You are not the first to learn of the intentions of the Squirrel Cabal. Many before you have found out. Those who tried to warn the population were dealt with harshly. In some cases, people who hinted at the coming Squirrel dictatorship were punished through the forced doubling of vowels in their names. If these traitors continued to speak of the Squirrels and their plans, they were silenced by other means.

Back in the days before the Internet, schoolchildren learned a primitive form of communication known as "writing." Instead of typing, a pen or pencil was used to form the shapes of letters on a piece of paper. But pointy objects like pens and pencils posed a threat to small mammals, so the squirrels have changed all that.

To try this out yourself, find a pencil (kids, ask your parents if they have one up in the attic). Then place the pointy end of the pencil on the paper and spell out the word "to," followed by the word "Dave." If you're left handed, try to do this without smearing what you just wrote.

Neither Dave nor any other human being actually reads alt.fan.dave_barry. It's just you. Really. You're the only one who does. You're participating in a psychology experiment where all the other posts there are generated by squirrels posing as humans. Did you see "The Matrix"? It's sort of like that, only with super-intelligent squirrels instead of computer programs. Did you actually believe that real people could generate such non-coherent conversations?

E-mail is the best way of communicating with the "Dave" squirrel cabal. Using the pen-or-pencil method will only alert the squirrels to your ownership of pointy objects, and you will incur their wrath when the new regime takes power. You can write to the squirrels at: squirrel2038@yahoo.com.

Here are some Squirrel-related web sites:

• The Squirrel Lover's Club
• The Squirrel Place
• The Squirrel Page
• Squirrel Wildlife Rehabilitation

The following web sites will be blocked from the internet once the squirrels come to power:

• Scary Squirrel World
• The Anti-Squirrel Coalition
• Squirrel Fishing
• Squirrel Hazing

There used to be a TV show called "Dave's World", which was an attempt to use the TV sitcom medium to spread the message of the Squirrels. It failed, because viewing audiences were frightened by being directly confronted by evil squirrels who swore to one day rule the world with an iron paw. Plus, viewing audiences said they just didn't "get" all the jokes about nut gathering.

Check out these great books, all of which were ghostwritten by the Squirrel Cabal:

• Squirrels at My Window : Life With a Remarkable Gang of Urban Squirrels
• Nuts About Squirrels : A Guide to Coexisting With--And Even Appreciating--Your Bushy-Tailed Friends
• A Squirrel's Tale

Please note that the following books will be banned once the Squirrel Revolution is over:

• Squirrel Wars : Backyard Wildlife Battles & How to Win Them
• Never Trust a Squirrel

• Dave Barry™ Brand Chewable Vitamins -- Containing 80% of your daily recommended allowance of Vitamin C, plus 100% of your FDA recommended dosage of hypnotic drugs to lull you into quietly accepting Squirrel rule. Available in bottles of 100, 250, and 2038.

By the decree of the super-intelligent squirrels, all newspapers shall carry Dave's column on a daily basis following the squirrels' rise to power.

Feel free to quote from this document as long as proper credit is given to the author. Of course, if you are going to quote me on any of this, you should be warned that I take no responsibility for the correctness of any of it. If you want real information about Dave Barry, you'll probably want to check out the real FAQ.